Monday, 21 September 2015

(No) Regrets

This time last year I should have been getting ready for one of the biggest of best weeks of my life. A week I would never, ever forget and would probably never ever shut up about.

Two years ago while feeling utterly depressed I decided that it was finally about time that I made my biggest dream come true. It was about time that I finally swam the English Channel. And this week last year, was supposed to be that time.

I had a date! However, unfortunately due to very foreseen circumstances - a severe lack of money - a couple of months before I had been force to make the biggest decision. I had to admit failure and call time on my attempt.

A year later and I am swimming regularly again - four times a week - with the aim of keeping myself in shape, half in the hope that I will actually get another chance - a real chance - to make an attempt to swim the channel.

So this week I will mostly be trying to keep myself and my mind busy, in order not to dwell on the fact that it has always been my dream to swim the English Channel and this time last year I should have been in the freezing British Sea, attempting to swim to France.

Trying to keep my mind busy because I have several regrets about my plan - the lack of a proper plan and the execution of what I did plan - to swim the English Channel. However, to say that I regret not swimming the channel last September as planned would be wrong.

That's not to say that I don't wish with every atom of my being that I had at least attempted the swim because of course I do. It is the one thing that I want to do more than anything (except maybe have a family).It's also not to say that it doesn't haunt me because of course it does. Every time someone asked me if I did it, what happened or if I've given up hope of doing it in the future, it reminds me just how much I want to do it, how hard I trained to do it and how much it hurt when I knew I couldn't attempt it last year. (Don't take that to mean I didn't/don't want people to ask. It's nice to know that they care).

But the thing is that it does still haunt me a year later and not only does it haunt me while I'm awake. The fact that I didn't get the chance to make my attempt occasionally also haunts my dreams. I had a dream just last week when I was telling someone how expensive it is to swim the channel.

And there we have it. The reason I find it hard to regret not swimming the channel last September. Although I have many regrets about how I handled the build up to the (not) swim, I can't regret not making the attempt because it was never something that was in my control. Plus it was never something that was realistically going to happen (at least not last year). The thing is, swimming the channel will set you back around £5000 - once everything is considered - and unfortunately (especially) at that point in time, there was simply no way that I could find that kind of disposable income!

But wish me luck for the future because it is definitely something I still plan to do! After all, it is my biggest dream to one day swim the English Channel. Something I know I am totally capable of doing and something I am not willing to give up on that easily! 

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