Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Flip-turn girl (A Valentine's tale)

I can't decide what my problem is exactly.
Either I'm:

a) terrible with women
b) unlucky in love
c) a bit of an idiot
d) all of the above

I think it's probably d) all of the above but to help you decide for yourself here's the tale of a girl who's name I don't know because I'm too shy stupid to ask.

Where to start?
Here is some information that might come in handy.

Flip-turn girl is the girl who swims at the swimming pool I work at - that I have talked about in previous posts here & here - who I have fancied for several months but have been completely unable to talk to.

Valentine's day is... well we all know what Valentine's day is (an opportunity for card companies to make some money during the otherwise barren spell between Christmas and Easter).

& I am rubbish with women. This should be taken as a fact. But if you don't know me personally - or you do but have the incorrect opinion that I'm good with women (highly unlikely) - as well as reading this post it might be helpful to read this post about my ex-girlfriend from my other blog Year31Project.

SO! Let's begin.
After spending months and months wishing that I could just tell the beautiful girl who regularly swims at the pool I work at that I think she is beautiful and ask her out on a date. While knowing that for some - seemingly unknown - reason I was never going to be able to. I rationalised that the only way I was going to be able to talk to her was in writing. And with St Valentines Day fast approaching what better way to do it than with a Valentines card?

I found the "ideal" card. I didn't want anything covered in love hearts. Something that would scream STALKER! Instead I went with a non-valentines looking valentines card with some flowers on the front. I wrote it out in the changing rooms at work on the 12th February and wanted to give it to her while she was in the gym but bottled it. There were a number of people around including colleagues and I didn't want to seem like a weirdo so I decided it would be better to give it to her as she left.

I went upstairs to wait for her. Which sounds weirder than it was (I think). After waiting for a little while - unknown to me as she was no doubt leaving the changing room - my phone rang. I answered it and had a very short work based conversation. But obviously it was at exactly the wrong time.

Just as I said "Goodbye" my crush walked by and out of the building. Caught slightly unawares I hesitated for a split second. Which was just enough time for her to start to cross the road. I thought about following her but two things stopped me. 1. I didn't want to be the guy who followed her across the road. 2. She literally walked across the road and hopped straight onto a waiting bus which instantly moved off as soon as she was onboard. I mean I literally didn't have time to blink and she was gone. So that was that. I didn't see her again until after Valentine's day. I had missed my opportunity.

Except no. Valentines day is just a day like any other. You can be "spontaneous" and "romantic" on any day, not just the 14th of February. Plus neither the card nor my message scribbled inside mentioned Valentine's day in any way. So why not give it to her on another day? Well nerves that's why! I kept the card in work a whole month waiting for the perfect opportunity to give it to her. At times it felt as though the universe was completely against me and didn't want me to give it to her. Maybe it knew something I didn't?

Then finally last Friday - which happened to be the 14th March. Exactly 4 weeks to the day after Valentine's day - flip-turn girl came in for a swim just as my shift was ending. I decided on a plan. After getting changed I would nip back to the pool and while she was swimming away from me I would leave the card with her flip flops and get the hell out of there as quickly as possible. Cowardly but the only way I was going to be able to do it. I just had to hope that she would find it cute or sweet or just anything other than creepy, wimpy and pathetic. Oh and also hope that she actually fancied me too (kind of important that part). So that's what I did. I left the card for her to find and split. Now obviously talking to her, building a rapport, making her laugh and then asking her out would have been the best thing to do. But the adrenalin rush just from leaving a card when she wasn't looking was insane! So no wonder I'm having trouble talking to her haha.

Inside the card I basically told her that I thought she was lovely and would love to take her for a drink sometime. I also put my number inside in case she wanted to text me. Now the thing is. Maybe I made it all up in my head. But I did have a feeling that she might be interested in me too. I mean... obviously I was grasping at straws if I thought that someone so beautiful - who no doubt gets asked out all the time - was going to text me because I said she was the most lovely thing I've ever seen in a card that I left on her flip-flops. But I must have thought I had some sort of a chance or I wouldn't have done it. However, unfortunately for me it seems as though I was wrong.

I waited for her text but it never came. It really wasn't a surprise but still a little sad. She clearly isn't interested. Luckily the fact that I was quietly hoping but not really expecting her to text helped with the disappointment. So I started to think about why she didn't contact me. Maybe she is shy too? Maybe she thinks I'm a massive dork? Maybe she has a boyfriend? It would make sense. She is very attractive. Or maybe I'm just not her type? Whatever the reason though, at least I did something. Even if it was a bit lame. Someone else might have liked the gesture? And at least I now know where I stand. There is nothing worse than not knowing! I mean it's not the ending I would have wanted but if I hadn't left the card I would be kicking myself and wondering 'what if' and where's the sense in that?

So I went into work yesterday knowing that there was a good chance of seeing her. I normally do the 12-5 shift on a Tuesday and at some point during the afternoon she usually either uses the gym or the pool. Yesterday she used the gym.

On my way into work I was suffering an interesting mix of feelings:

  • I wanted to see her again because I fancy her.
  • But I didn't want to see her again because I felt embarrassed.
  • I wanted to see her again because I still have a faint hope that even though she didn't text me we might end up going out on a date after all.
  • But I didn't want to see her again because I felt embarrassed.
  • I wanted to see her again because I wanted to know that the card hasn't put her off coming to the pool anymore. I would hate to think that I have made her feel uncomfortable. That is literally the last thing I would want to do.
  • But I didn't want to see her again because I felt embarrassed.

I think there's a pattern forming! haha

As soon as I got onto the poolside I saw someone being put through their paces in the gym by one of our Personal Trainers. Looking down at her doing sit-ups I thought "she's attractive, maybe she can help take my mind off flip turn girl". But as soon as she stood up I could see that she was - of course - flip-turn girl herself. I just can't catch a break haha

I expected to feel nervous, embarrassed and maybe even a little excited when I saw her but to my surprise the actual over riding feeling was that of being lonely. I wasn't expecting that at all but that's the best way to describe how seeing her made me feel... alone!

Because it doesn't matter how great your family and friends are or how busy you keep yourself - and with this, that and the other I'm incredibly busy at the moment - being single will always be a little bit lonely.

The waking up alone, going to bed alone and having no one to bore with the details of your day in between takes it's toll a little. Which doesn't mean that I'm willing to jump into a relationship with just anyone, just for the sake of it. I see a lot of people who appear to do that and I get it. But I don't think that's the right way to be and it's just not me. At least not at this stage. Give it some time. However, although I'm willing to wait for the right girl to come along, I do wish she would come along soon.

So an hour and a half into my shift and I take a much needed heat break. I go upstairs to eat etc and then break over, just as I'm about to go back downstairs I see flip-turn girl coming up. If I had headed for the stairs 10 seconds sooner I would have come face to face with her. I'm still having trouble deciding if this would have been a good thing or a bad thing? Maybe it's a good thing that I avoided what could have been the most awkward moment in the history of the universe. Literally causing me to implode. Maybe even causing the universe itself to implode? Or was it a bad thing because 1. I need to get it out of the way and 2. it might have forced me to speak to her!

But instead I watched her from behind as she walked out the doors and across the road towards the bus stop and thought "maybe something good has come out of this? At least I'm no longer wasting anytime thinking about my ex-girlfriend!" However, unfortunately for me I seem to have simply replaced thinking about one girl who doesn't want to be with me for thinking about another haha

& so that's the end of the tale of the flip-turn girl.

Well for now at least. Because I'm bound to keep on seeing her. Certainly in the short term as I continue to lifeguard and then also maybe as I start to teach - unless I change pools which is a big possibility - and so who knows what might happen. As you can probably tell. The worst thing about all this. So much worse than a little embarrassment. I haven't completely lost hope that if I somehow manage to ask her out in person she might say yes. Miracles do happen! Although you can probably also tell that I'm a deluded fool and that nothing is going to happen between the two of us. I know! I've tried telling myself but I just won't listen.

Simply put:

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