Sunday, 10 November 2013

Swimmers Problems



























Here's a list of things that annoy me while I swim/work at the pool.


  • People who swim with their head out of the water.

Just get some goggles - and a cap if you don't want to get your hair wet - and get your head in the water.  If the definition of swimming was left up to me, it would only be considered swimming if your head goes into the water.


  • People who only touch with one hand when doing breaststroke.

Touch with two hands people it's not difficult. Why does this one annoy me, why does it matter how many hands people touch with? I don't know. It just does. Sort it out!



  • People who use a pull buoy as a kick board.

It's all in the name. It's a pull buoy! You put it between your legs to give you extra buoyancy and restrict your legs while working your arms. If you want something to give you extra buoyancy and restrict your arms while you walk your legs? It's called a kick board! Now obviously do as you wish (unfortunately) my pool is not a dictatorship. But while you do it, know that you're stupid!


  • People who swim in the wrong lane.

At my pool it's pretty simple. There are four lanes. A slow lane. A medium lane. A fast lane. And a wider pretty much anything goes in there lane. There are signs at the end of each lane (well the first three anyway) look at them! Then carefully chose which lane you think is applicable to your swimming speed/style. Maybe it's not so simple? Maybe it's a sight issue. In that case get a bit closer dumbass. Or maybe you can't read? In that case - I feel a bit bad for you - ask for some assistance. Me or whoever (most of them anyway) are more than happy to help. If you ask nicely enough we might even help you to learn to read :). Ps. by all means get into an (inappropriate) empty lane but if the pool starts getting busy get ready to change lanes.


  • People who swim the wrong way in the lane.

Again this information is on the signs at the end of your lane. Read it! And this time you don't even have to be able to read this time. It's all done with arrows. Simple follow the arrows! 


  • People who think that because their arms and legs are moving faster than mine that they in turn must be moving faster than I am.

Wrong! Stop being an idiot. Swimming is not about rpm it's about technique and power. Now my swimming style is deceptively fast. I get that. But as soon as it becomes pretty damn apparent that - even though your limbs are swinging around quickly - I am a hell of a lot faster than you get out of my way! You don't necessarily need to get out of my lane (although it would help) but don't set off from the wall just in front of me. I'm just going to have to over take you. Why not just wait until I've turned an go after me? Idiot! (oh that's why!)


  • People who swim faster than me.

Enough said haha. I don't like not being the fastest swimmer in the pool - I have to admit that - but if people are genuinely faster than me then fair enough. I'll try and leave a large gap between us. However, that is almost never the case. What usually happens is that someone gets in and gets in my way by sprinting one length, having a 5min breather and then sprinting for one length again. What is even the point of that? Get out of my way and don't for a second think that because you can sprint for one length faster than my training speed, that you are faster than me. I'm in the middle of doing 128 lengths.


  • People who can't swim properly teaching other people to swim (badly).

Do I need to explain this one? Ok so your friend can't swim. They're your friend and so obviously you want to help them. The problem is that you can't really swim either! You might think that you can but seriously doing front crawl with your head out of the water doesn't constitute swimming! Please stop attempting to teach people to do something you can't do properly yourself and let someone who can swim show them. Maybe if you ask nicely I might even offer a few tips (to both of you!)


  • People who don't shower before getting in the pool

Ok so I have to hold my hands up. I don't always do this. Partly because I'm a bit lazy and if I needed another reason - I clearly don't - having a warm shower before you get in makes the pool water seem really cold. But me and other people who shower regularly anyway, well that's cool. But people who look like they don't shower very often or those who have just come out of the gym or sweaty or worse straight out of the sauna and just jump in without washing off the sweat first. Well that's just plain wrong!


  • The middle aged woman who wears a see-thru top

There is a middle aged woman - with surprisingly pert boobs - who swims at my pool on a regular basis wearing a white top that goes see-thru when it's been in the water. Not only does she appear not to care but is clearly looking for some attention. Maybe she doesn't get any at home? Maybe she is recently divorced or never married? I don't know the reasoning behind it, but... put it away!


& finally.


  • That flip-turn girl doesn't appear to know that I exist.  

I don't know her real name but flip-turn girl is this insanely attractive girl who swims at my pool. She wears a cap that says flip-turn on it, hence the name and unfortunately I'm way too much of a douche to talk to her. So she doesn't know I exist. Except I'm the lifeguard so she must know I exist. So less doesn't know I exist and more doesn't seem to care that I exist. Sad times haha.

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