Friday, 11 October 2013

Swimming through a sea of depression

I wrote this a month or so ago but hesitated on posting it. However, having read it again and seeing as yesterday was 'World Mental Health Day' I decided that I wanted to post it.

I've been quite depressed recently. I think I'm working my way through it now but for months all I wanted to do was stay in bed all day, sleep as long as I could - dreaming was better than living - watch tv and eat crap. & it's been a really hard habit to break.

I wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep because although I occasionally had bad dreams where my ex-girlfriend told me that she didn't love me anymore and that she loved him instead - or was I awake for that bit? - this was mostly the case:

In my dreams

Every moment that I spend awake, I miss you.
Often with my mind but sometimes my body alone.
Every moment that I spend asleep, I don't miss you.
For each night in my dreams you are mine again.

so you can maybe understand my reasoning for wanting to be constantly asleep?
I also get more sex in my dreams ;) (too personal?)

The thing is... I can't remember the last time I was actually happy. I'm not sure why that is. Has it been that long or do I just have a bad memory? I think it might have been last September when I was in Greece for 6 whole weeks. I love Greece. The food, the weather, the people - I'm going to miss visiting (so frequently). I'm not happy about the way my life seems to be going at the moment and I haven't been for a while but however long it's been since I was happy it all came to a head around three and a half months ago when my relationship of three and a half years ended. I feel like I don't have anything. Career, house, car, kids, dog, all the things I feel I should have at very nearly 30. Don't get me wrong I had none of those things before and probably wouldn't have had anytime soon but it doesn't matter as much when you have the love of a wonderful woman. But when that's gone, not only do you have to deal with the heartbreak but all the other stuff becomes infinitely more important too.

I feel a lot better about things now than I did. I'm saying that a lot at the moment. But it's true. I have bad days but I'm genuinely moving on (I think?). My life is changing and I feel good about that. I want to feel a bit more settled and know exactly where I'm going to be living and working etc but I've met a lot of great people over the last couple of months and I'm really looking forward to being back in London. To starting my new life in a new flat, with a new job and of course doing something I have always dreamt off in swimming the English channel. I'm so excited about my 2014 plans: swim the channel, take a show to Edinburgh and travel/teach abroad. I'm not sure where all the money for this is coming from but I look forward to an exciting new chapter of my life and doing all things I may never have done. Not because of my ex. I could have done all those things when I was with her but (for whatever reason) if I was still with her I would no doubt still be putting them off indefinitely. So - now I have lots of time and no one to worry about my personal safety - I need to embrace these plans and make them happen.

My breakup was very hard and at first I didn't cope at all but ultimately it has led to a lot of positive changes in my life. I'm a better person. I don't drink, I'm taking better care of my health, I'm more active, I'm more sociable (now that I'm not moping in bed), I've met so many new people. But sometimes I can't help but wish that I could have made these changes sooner. That I could be doing all of these new and exciting things with my best friend by my side. But - for so many reasons - that just isn't going to happen so applications for my new best friend are now open! I'm not expecting a flood of applications but hopefully someone will come along soon because I think that I might just feel ready for a new best friend... maybe. & you don't have to like swimming, you don't even have to be able to swim. In fact it might be best if you don't like swimming because that's my thing. Get your own thing.

But swimming and in particular having something to aim for - in terms of swimming the English Channel - has definitely helped me through this difficult time. It has given me something to look forward to and at times something to get out of bed for. It's been the one thing I could focus on, the one stable thing - the float - in the sea of change (cheesy! but true).

One sea down, one more to go!

No comments:

Post a Comment